Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Better Version of Me

Tonight my husband and I went to my cousin's house to play cribbage. It's become a bit of a Tuesday night tradition. We live less than a mile away and he's always been like a brother to me, let alone a best friend of my husband (and why we met in the first place). On the way there we listened to a mix CD with all female musicians Rob made some time ago. Yes, because it's such a short drive we barely got one song in from point A to point B. On the ride over we listened to a Liz Phair song I put on a mix TAPE for Rob back in our dating days (ah mix tapes, remember them?). I loved hearing it because it's been a while and I LOVE that song but... it brought me back to a mood that I used to feel listening to it that was kind of... sad. On the ride back I flipped through the songs trying to find the "right one" for our short journey home. I landed on a Joni Mitchell song that I connected to from the moment I heard it back in my college days and said out loud "NO - I do not want to hear 'I am a lonely painter and I live in a box of paints' right now!!" and there was something so liberating about that realization. I DON'T want to be a sad, brooding, lonely painter!! I always related to artists with this temperament and well, today, tonight, I am declaring NO! I am not a lonely painter and I do not live in a box of paints. I love you Joni - I always will. But - yeah, can't do it. There was a time when those emotions were so close to the surface I needed that music to feel connected, to feel like "this is normal". The song I skipped to was the one. The right one for right now. I've loved this song since the album first came out but I've never connected as much to it than right now.

So here it is.

Better Version of Me by Fiona Apple

2 comments:

afiori said...

Yeah!!! The song played in my head as soon as I saw the title of your post. You are SO NOT a lonely painter in a box of paints, that's my very reason for not liking that song (plus I thought for a while she sang "pain"). You are out in the world, talking to people, showing them your art.

p.s. I use the song "Extraordinary Machine" as motivation when I'm mad at people or feel mistreated / ignored. Works for me.

Jessica Torrant said...

Yes! Extraordinary Machine is another fantastic one! I love that album so much, she really is a master.

Thanks for supporting that notion, afiori. That's my new mantra "I am a painter, I am not lonely, and my paints aren't in a box!" hahaha