Not Quite Chaos - Acrylic on 16" x 20" canvas
Joyful in June - Acrylic on 16" x 20" canvas
I felt a little blue this morning. I know it's the slow time of the year, but just a nibble would do wonders for my confidence right now. Knowing that wallowing or starting to think/act desperately would be futile, I pushed myself into the studio where paint would (and did) take me away.
I have been painting without music lately. I'm so used to years of painting with some other distraction be it listening to the radio or even playing a movie in the background. Somehow it took my attention away just enough to keep things loose and fluid. These days I'm just enjoying the sounds of the forest. An extra bonus has been the daily visit (yesterday and today) from turkeys making their way through the woods behind the studio. They forage on bugs on low growing plants right out back. If I'm really slow and still I can get a really close view of them feeding just feet away. The wonderful thing about it is... there's babies!!! Lots and lots of them! By my estimation today I think there are anywhere from 15-20 in that little tribe led by three adults, perhaps even more. They are too cute for words as they cheap and tweet and bounce up to grab especially tasty bugs.
A tasty meal, a hot shower and a hug from my husband later and I feel just fine. Being productive is my salvation, it really is. I can't just sit and feel sorry for myself or let my mind wander into fear territory. It's never helped me in the past, it certainly won't now. I've just got to keep working and believe that things will work out as they always do. Faith in the future. Comfortable and confident in the present. That's the name of the game.
I have been painting without music lately. I'm so used to years of painting with some other distraction be it listening to the radio or even playing a movie in the background. Somehow it took my attention away just enough to keep things loose and fluid. These days I'm just enjoying the sounds of the forest. An extra bonus has been the daily visit (yesterday and today) from turkeys making their way through the woods behind the studio. They forage on bugs on low growing plants right out back. If I'm really slow and still I can get a really close view of them feeding just feet away. The wonderful thing about it is... there's babies!!! Lots and lots of them! By my estimation today I think there are anywhere from 15-20 in that little tribe led by three adults, perhaps even more. They are too cute for words as they cheap and tweet and bounce up to grab especially tasty bugs.
A tasty meal, a hot shower and a hug from my husband later and I feel just fine. Being productive is my salvation, it really is. I can't just sit and feel sorry for myself or let my mind wander into fear territory. It's never helped me in the past, it certainly won't now. I've just got to keep working and believe that things will work out as they always do. Faith in the future. Comfortable and confident in the present. That's the name of the game.
7 comments:
I think every creative person feels like this sometimes and I think you're brave for being so honest!
Turkey babies? Are they wild? Can I see?
I feel the way you do right now. "What am I doing wrong, what can I change" etc until the snowball is so huge it takes me out and I'm sticking my face in a bowl of ice cream.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks friends. On one side I don't want to share down feelings because it can be a turn off but on the other, I want to be honest about my process - the times when I'm flying high and the times when I'm just getting by. So I appreciate both of your comments and feel comforted by them. Maria-Therese, the turkeys are indeed wild! Prompted by your question, I went searching and found this article about them in Connecticut. http://public-healthcare-issues.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_nature_of_lyme_disease
Apparently 22 wild turkeys were reintroduced in the northwesterner corner of the state (I'm northeastern/central). If I can recall correctly, I first saw them in my family's woods maybe in the mid to late 90's? Now they are thriving. In my neighborhood, it's quite common to see them wandering around all over the place - regular stops on the road for turkey crossing! I also learned in the article that the adults I saw in the pack are all hens and some may not have given birth to any of the babies, they are just along for the ride to help protect, detect food sources and learn about "child" or more accurately, "poult" rearing. I tried unsuccessfully to capture them when I had my camera on hand on Thursday. I'm going to try again today and maybe see if I can get a video too.
Rachel - YES!!! Ice cream is the ultimate cure! I know those questions all too well. It's comforting to know that other creative people can feel the same way and knowing that I want to reply to YOUR questions saying "you aren't doing anything wrong! Your work is wonderful!" makes me think maybe that's the same answer for me. It's so true that artists are their own worst critics.
Cool! And a video would be so much fun! :D
P.S. The second painting tastes like pears. :-O
Thank you Jessica!!!
I'm so moved by your post. I've been feeing a bit bewildered/overwhelmed/I-don't-know-what recently and with this glimpse into your psyche, you've given me reassurance. I can see that, although feeling this way is hard, it's also part of the 'process'. You show how it's possible to do something with these feelings - to work with them - & this is immensely inspirational to me. The resulting work which you've produced after 'working it through', is so thrilling & full of beauty - it makes me respect the 'process' and you even more!
With love,
Jennifer xox
very creative
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